Musings on personal growth, books, motherhood, writing, and more. "Every hour is saved from that eternal silence, something more, a bringer of new things." – Tennyson
I’d been thinking I would eventually sit down and write a long blog post on “ways I have grown so far on my journey of being a new mom (of twin babies).” But I finally realized–duh–I am never going to have time for that! Besides, it would be impossible to accurately count all the ways I have grown and all the things I have learned in the last seven months. I feel like I’ve become almost a completely different person.
But I do miss blogging. For one thing, it’s a form of writing (a.k.a. self-care) that provides instant gratification, which is something I need right now. For another, it helps me feel a little less lonely, and that’s something else I need. So I’m letting go of some of my perfectionism in order to just post what I can, when I can. (Or what I feel like, when I feel like it.) My writing may be less thought-through than I’d prefer, but at least it will exist!
I am only just now able to even think of things like blogging because–hallelujah!–the twins have been finally starting to sleep through the night. (That is, when they’re not sick with the latest cold or stomach bug…) For the first six months, my brain was in a continuous foggy crisis because I rarely got more than two hours of sleep at a time. But in the past few weeks I have started getting much more regular sleep, so my life is beginning to feel a little more like life again!
Or, at least, it feels more like a life, but, again, it’s one that’s quite different from my former one in several ways. The most obvious way is that I’ve traded peace and quiet for chaos and one minor crisis after another. But by no means would I go back and reverse the trade! My girls are precious, amazingly sweet little angels who have brought great joy and love into my life and the lives of all my family members and friends.
Also, as I said, the things I have learned and ways I have grown since the babies came have changed me significantly. It’s like I’ve taken a fast track down the road of personal growth to a new place of clearer vision and altered values. I aim to write about some of these things in future posts. For now I’ll just give a few easy examples.
1) Gone is all self-consciousness and caring about what other people think of me. I don’t have time for it. I’m not saying I am wearing sweatpants everywhere–I do still value the self-respect that comes from taking some degree of care with my appearance–but in general I do what I want and need to do without giving a single sh*t about what other people think. For example, sometimes on a sunny weekend day when the girls are down for a nap, I’ll just go out in the backyard (with the baby monitor) and lie down in the grass, letting the sun warm my skin and not caring one bit what any passing neighbors might think, because I just need what I need. It’s quite freeing, really!
2) At the same time as I stop looking toward other people, I also see them much more clearly than I did before. I used to be a bit of a Jane Bennet (from Pride and Prejudice), wanting to think the best of people and gullibly giving them the benefit of the doubt. But now, I am less enchanted by the adults with whom I interact in daily life, whether at work or socially; I don’t get caught up in the stories they tell themselves and others in order to cover up what they see as the less desirable truths beneath the surface. More and more, I see who people really are.
3) I see myself more clearly too–my strengths, weaknesses, needs, and patterns. And wow, if I thought I was in “Self-care School” before (see my previous posts)–new motherhood is Self-care Boot Camp! As hard as it is to do, I have to take care of myself in order to function and “keep it together” during the roughest times.
That’s all I have time to say now. Thank you sincerely for your kindness in listening! And it’s very nice to get reacquainted with my blogging world. Warm wishes to you!